my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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