When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
