i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
