saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize