i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
