I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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