yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
