My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
