got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
