Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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