I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
