I heard we made out
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
