grandma shit on top of the toilet
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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