Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So vagazzling was a success
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
