im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize