i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
