Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
