Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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