Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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