My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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