What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
last night I used snow as a chaser
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