So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
