The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
