My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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