I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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