I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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