dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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