I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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