I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
