Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
