I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize