umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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