I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
