he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
