I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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