sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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