Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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