Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
