Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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