You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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