no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
