I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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