I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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