please come you make the beer taste better
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
