My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize