K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
