So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
