Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
