The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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