I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
