i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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