Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
