4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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