we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
