Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
