so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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