theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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